Start Close in, with Thomas McConkie
Thomas McConkie shares how a commitment to weekly family dinner changed his life, and why conflict is grace in disguise.
Start close in,
don’t take the second step
or the third,
start with the first
thing
close in,
the step
you don’t want to take.
- David Whyte
Those we sit with at family dinner can be more distant, intimidating, and difficult to communicate with than those we meet in a foreign country. In fact, at the beginning of Thomas McConkie’s commitment to weekly dinners with his parents, he found these dinners “disturbing.”
In this video, “Start Close In,” Thomas shares why he committed to family dinners anyway after twenty years of emotional and physical estrangement from his parents. He had long assumed that the source of the conflict in his life was his family. By moving to another country, he put thousands of miles of distance and years of his life between them but couldn’t alleviate the pain from the conflict. With time, he realized that peace would required returning to the one place he wanted to avoid: the family dinner table. There, in the place that disturbed him, he could encounter his own heart.
Thomas teaches that if we pay intimate attention to our hearts, we can recognize where we feel that pinch of disturbance—that place that we want to avoid. If we have the courage and humility to show up there with love, new life opens up.
“My belief is that conflict is grace in disguise. When we unmask it and realize what an opportunity it is to follow it into a new life, we give thanks that God has blessed us with this conflict.”
Putting ideas into action
After watching Thomas’s video, think of a conflict you are having in your life. Use the following exercise to consider how you can “start close in.”
Ask yourself, what aspects of this conflict pinch or “disturb” you? What is that disturbance asking you to see? Where does it call you should start?
Thomas identifies the values of justice, mercy, and humility as guides that helped him navigate his first step -- the one he didn’t want to take. Those are all powerful values, but they may not be yours. What are the core values that, when you are being your best self, guide you in your relationships with others? Brené Brown lists a number of key values that may help you get the moral imagination firing here: https://brenebrown.com/resources/dare-to-lead-list-of-values/
After you’ve identified those values, ask yourself the questions …
What is one behavior that supports this value?
What is one behavior that contradicts this value?
Now comes the action part. Thomas decided to have weekly Sunday dinners with his family. While he found the experience “disturbing” after hundreds of dinners, something started changing within him. Choose one behavior that you can apply to the person you are in conflict with and take the first step. Not the second or the third step – the first step, the step you don’t want to take.
Thomas McConkie is an author, group facilitator and meditation teacher. He is the founder of Lower Lights Wisdom and author of two books, Navigating Mormon Faith Crisis: A Simple Developmental Map, and At-One-Ment: Embodying the Fullness of Human Divinity. Currently, he is working on his third book: a detailed guide to waking up and growing up in the tradition of Integral Polarity Practice (IPP). He holds a master’s degree from Harvard Divinity School, with a focus on transformative practices and frameworks. His hope and vision is to train the next generation of contemplatives, embodying a deep sense of place in their local traditions with a heart open to Wisdom and Beauty, wherever they may find it. He lives in Somerville, Massachusetts with his wife, two children, and rescue dog.